ouchwinceooooouuuuchhhh

You know why strippers are so skinny (aside from the drugs)?

Working that pole is hard!

(But fun. Seriously. Take a class if you can find one.)

I’m behind the times, I know.

But I’m just so frustrated with Palin.

I’ve never particularly liked her. Her bizarre, rambling, incoherent appearances always leave me cringing and feeling simultaneously bad for her and worried that so many people somehow find confidence in her.

If you haven’t already seen the video where she announces her resignation, take a look.

Here’s a pretty amusing deconstruction of Palin’s speech, including analysis like this:

3. I am expected to serve out the term I was elected for. But that would make me a quitter. Therefore, I am quitting because I don’t want to be a quitter.
“… it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: “Sit down and shut up”, but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow. Nah, only dead fish “go with the flow”.”

You know what Palin? You are quitting. And quite frankly the reasons you’re giving are pretty weak. I’m not saying people have never had good reasons for quitting, but if you have them, you’re not telling the truth.

The governor needed a break after being “on duty now for two and a half years solid,” he said. (source)

I think this was one of the most frustrating things that came out of this. She needed a break?! Well too fucking bad. I bet every governor needs a break. But they knew what the terms of the agreement were heading in. You knew you were signing up for four years, commit to it unless there’s a damn good reason not to.

Her leaving early has also been justified by saying she’s done more in two and a half years than many people do in four or eight years. So what? How does that make it better that you’re bailing out when Alaskans are turning against you and opposition are investigating ethics claims. If you’re really doing as much as you claim and if you love Alaska as much as you say you do, shouldn’t you want to keep your awesome mavericky self in office to get as much done as possible before the term ends? And how is leaving your Lt. Governor to make the expensive and time-wasting transition to be a lame duck any better? I DON’T GET IT.

Oh, and your family got made fun of? That sucks. But you know, the Clintons never got made fun of, the Bushes were never targets of jokes, McCain loved Cindy’s prescription drug abuse and trophy-wife look being a constant source of ridicule. Certainly your family didn’t truly realize what you were signing up for when you stepped on the national stage, but that is part of politics. That is part of a public life. If you cannot handle scrutiny and ethics complaints and jokes about you and your family then politics is not for you. Deal with it.

I’m not sure why she’s quitting, whether it is just because the pressure was too great or whether she’s setting herself up for a 2012 run. But I firmly believe her rambling excuses of last week were just a cover for her real reasoning.

There is something wrong…

…when it takes three times as much money to fix your cat as fix your car.

Hopefully both are now back in working order.

Is god trying to tell me I picked wrong?

Cat peed on the couch this morning. Car making bad noises. Dropped my headphones in yogurt.

Could today get any better?

Adventures in stick.

My car has been making unhappy noises lately. So until we can get her in to the mechanic tomorrow, Matt’s car is the car. Which wouldn’t be a big deal except for Matt’s not driving until we know what’s happening with his license.

Which means more adventures in stick shift! I’m getting much better. Still I can feel Matt silently cringing in the passenger seat whenever the car lurches or makes a bad noise or I let the clutch out too fast. Now that I’ve got the basics, he’s just trying to let me drive and offer encouragement when I’m doing good.

I still wanted to know who decided it would be a good idea to make sticks.

Oh right. Those people who want to save gas.

Damn.

Kids say the darndest things OR Further proof the system is out to get you.

News that was pushed back by my Kevin Christensen-fueled rage (in an amusing parenthetical side-note, on the day of Matt’s incarceration, I ran into a man I had previously talked to, who is also a former mayor of a Box Elder County town, he and his adorable wife, probably both in their 60s, with no prompting from me other than saying I had been fighting the Box Elder justice system earlier that day, both of them said good ol’ KC was a piece of work, you don’t have to rely on my biased opinion)…

Wednesday morning, my neighbor (the one of this and this), came ringing the doorbell at 5:30 a.m. Matt and I had hung out with them a bit the previous weekend and I think she had come to regard me as some sort of friend. Her boyfriend had begun to break all their stuff and had hit her. Her phone line was out because a big crash the night before had knocked out phone, cable and internet. So she came over here to borrow our cell to call the cops and the kids’ dad to come pick them up.

The cops got here, but because there was no mark on her body they couldn’t arrest him for destroying his own stuff. But they were going to arrest her for, and wait for the irony here, driving on a suspended license. I guess she had a warrant out. They were going to take her and the kids’ dad was gonna come get the kids from us. Luckily her boyfriend chose to leave and the cops gave her one  day to get it taken care of.

While the kids were waiting, they noticed a target Matt had used for shooting practice on the wall and were asking what it was. The neighbor explained it, by saying, “You know how daddy’s in the army and he practices shooting bad guys? Well that’s what he uses to practice.”

The oldest kid pipes up with, “Yeah. Our dad shoots bad guys. Like black people.”

The Matt is back.

Friday morning I was supposed to meet a lovely man in SLC to do a bit of the nakers modeling. Well we were meeting at 9:30 for three hours. The guard at the court told me Matt would be out at noon. So I rearranged, met him at 8:30, which means I got up at the crack of dawn (i.e.  7), so I could be in Brigham City by 12:30. My plan worked perfectly. Except for the part where the goddamn lady manning the door said he wouldn’t get out until 2, oh wait, actually 4. Which meant I drove back home, napped for three hours, and got up again to drive back down there, only to be asked by a new lady, was I sure his release date was today, because he wasn’t on her list. I told her I was positive and had been told he was out at 4 by her predecessor. She said she’d look again. Ten minutes later, I buzz her again to ask whether she found out or not. Turns out he is in the process of getting out, but she hadn’t bothered to let me know. She just felt like letting me sit there wondering.

And then I heard his voice through the door! Hurrah!

Here is the only souvenir we have of his trip. The gross jail flip flops.

Oh yeah. And that $15 fine, because Box Elder instituted a pay for stay program a few months ago, which in an amusing side note, I wrote a story about (a more complete story appeared in print, but here’s a slightly longer version of the AP rip-off… I mean re-write).

Glad to have the big furball home nonetheless. Except, until we know what’s going on with his license, I am driving him to work. This means I must leave at seven-frieking-o’clock to pick him up. Boo.

In which I use the word fuck a lot and also the phrase “raped by the judicial system.”

Just to get this post off right: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

For those, just entering: part one and part two.

The court thing didn’t go so well.

Matt is in jail in Box Elder until Friday.

You don’t realize how much you talk to each other when you live together, even if you’re not doing things together. There were times last night where I stopped to tell him something and then started crying because he’s in jail. And it’s my fault.

Back to court. It is only held one day a week for two hours. If you can’t make it, then tough titties. They’ll issue a warrant.

So we show up at the Box Elder Justice Court. And wait. We wait because the judge is one fucking hour late! His Honorable Asswipe Judge Kevin Christensen finally deigns to hold court. And we all wait while all the people who need an interpreter get to go first. Christensen’s obvious disdain for anyone who’s brown and doesn’t speak English makes me feel bad for these guys. Some guy before us is frustrated trying to find a job and take the classes necessary to get his kids back from the Department of Child and Family Services. He uses the phrase “working my ass off” and the judge gives him two days in jail for contempt. He says the guy is not showing enough respect by keeping his piercings in when coming to court and by not controlling his language. Kevin Christensen, I’d love to put you in the system, take your kids away and then make you fight to survive and see if you can make it without swearing.

In hindsight, I wonder if we should have taken another path, but I don’t know if it would have mattered. Matt pleads guilty and is given a chance to explain himself. He tells the judge about how he thought his license revocation was already over and didn’t know about this one. He tells the judge we never got any communication from the Department of Motor Vehicles. The judge says that’s a convenient excuse. He basically called Matt a liar and implied that Matt was just deliberately flaunting this restriction. Automatic two days in jail beginning immediately. Matt had not eaten yet. He has to wear his contacts for basically three days straight. Plus a $750 fine. And then the kicker. His license will probably be suspended for another several years. WHAT?! We can pay the fine. It sucks. But we have money for that. But how do you expect someone to hold down a job if they can’t drive anywhere? I seriously thinking a move out-of-state might be necessary until the revocation is all done.

And you know what, Kevin Christensen? You are a huge fucking douchebag. I know you’re bored and do this every day and get a little rush of power from playing with peoples’ lives, but could you please remember that with your flippant and vindictive attitude you are RUINING OTHER PEOPLE’S FUTURES! I would have loved to have said that to your face, but somehow I think if ass gets you two days for contempt, me getting handcuffed and dragged out while screaming, “YOU HUGE MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL WITH ALL OF YOUR SNIDE FUCKING REMARKS AND FUCKING ALL AROUND DOUCHEBAGGERY! AND IF YOU EXPECT RESPECT FROM OTHER PEOPLE, PERHAPS SHOWING SOME WOULD HELP! BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING LAW DEGREE, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M STUPID OR CRIMINAL OR YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE FUCKING TRASH!” would have gotten at least a month.

Lessons learned:

1. Never get pulled over in Box Elder County.

Judge Kevin Christensen is the biggest fucking asshole ever. He will screw you over. Unless you’re a cute little white girl who’s about to get married. In which case, he will believe anything you say.

2. Don’t procrastinate registering your car.

It will land your boyfriend in jail and totally make life hard for years to come and make you feel guilty forever.

3. There is no way to win.

Seriously. You think I’m joking. I’m not.

I used to be a bright-face optimist who believed that the system worked and was there to protect people and take into account various extenuating circumstances. That is fucking bullshit. It is there to screw you over and make it impossible to do everything you are being told to do.

It doesn’t matter that Matt finished his alcohol classes and community service on time. Nor does it matter that we paid off the ginormous fine a year early. None of that matters. I’m not saying driving drunk should be encouraged or anything, but seriously, it will not happen again and we’re being continually fucked by the system as some sort of eternal punishment for trying to take care of everything and work with the system.

The whole thing is basically a catch 22. You can’t drive but are supposed to make it to weekly meetings and tests and also pay off this fine. The bus system would take hours to get anywhere and DOESN’T RUN at the times Matt works. It also has stopped by the time his class was over. So either you have to violate your license revocation or not complete court-ordered measures. Also if he didn’t have a girlfriend who was able to take half a day off and drive him to the damn hearing where they fucked us over, then he would have had to illegally drive to that too.

The people who know how to work the system are the habitual offenders. The people who don’t know what to do get fucked over, but are the ones who deserve it the least. Ain’t America grand?

The only thing that happens when you try and play by the rules is that you get raped by the judicial system. Hard.

Irrefutable evidence of evolution.

Proof we are descended from apes?

How much I (and you, don’t deny it) pick at ourselves and our boyfriends/husbands.

We still have social grooming.

Rainy days and Mondays…

I went to lunch on a bright, warm afternoon. I walked out of the office to this.

Gorgeous. But cold. Very cold. And I was soaked through by the time I put my camera away and walked to my car.

And a bonus picture from when I went home for the family reunion. This was my parents as I drove away. My mom told me I kept my camera too handy. I told them they were too cute.