I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but Matt and his sisters are adopted. It’s not something that really makes any difference day to day. I occasionally think about it, wishing we knew specifics of his family health history or whether there is a chance he has a recessive blue gene in there for our kids to end up with blue eyes. The only obvious thing is he and his sisters definitely don’t look related.
From time to time you hear weird anti-adoption sentiment. I find this very strange since not only Matt’s family, but other friends of mine have had families through adoption. Matt’s mom said it seems to be more prevalent to her in Utah than other places. A woman at church once remarked, after seeing my mother-in-law rubbing her daughter’s back, “You are so close to your daughter. And to think she’s adopted…”
To which my mother-in-law thinks, “Well OF COURSE! She’s my daughter!” She said stories of adopted children acting up somehow stick out more in peoples’ minds because it gives them a cause for whatever the problem is. They never stop to think of all the biological families they know with problems. That’s her philosophy. Kids are kids. Some are going to have more trouble than others. Plenty of kids who are biologically related to their parents act up and have issues. Just like some kids who are adopted will inevitably have issues too.
Which is what I thought of today when I received an email from someone I had invited to an event who emailed me to apologize for not showing. His approximate wording was, “My adopted daughter is in a residential treatment program. My wife and I unexpectedly went to go look at some other places for her to receive additional care and I wasn’t able to make it.” Totally understandable. Family comes first. It wasn’t a problem. But I just don’t understand why he felt the need to clarify that it was his adopted daughter. My adopted husband was in a residential treatment program as a teenager too. But I don’t say that. I don’t refer to him as my adopted husband. His parents do not refer to him as their adopted son.
But I’ve noticed many people do this. Who cares if she’s adopted? If your daughter needs help, just say that. Your daughter needs help. Does it matter to you that she’s adopted? Then why do you need to clarify that to other people? I have never heard Matt refer to his parents as his adoptive parents. And when a contestant on last season’s Top Model did, he snarkily replied to the TV, “Also known as your parents.”
Because really, that’s what it is. She’s their daughter. Matt is his parents’ son. They are his parents. Neither one of them feel the need to qualify their relationship with adoption. I hope more people can understand that and just start talking about and seeing families.
It is amazing how prevalent this is. I see it in my family all the time and it drives me crazy! My baby sister is adopted and we are very close. She has some problems that stem from her birth mom doing drugs the entire time she was pregnant, but she is a happy, wonderful kid. My oldest brother can’t seem to let the problems go, yes, she is a needy child who has spent years trying to overcome an attachment disorder, but she has nowhere near put my parents through the hell that he did when he was a teen, but still he always feels the need to clarify that she is adopted.
I didn’t really want to sidetrack into that whole issue, but obviously sometimes clarifying that a child is adopted to explain attachment disorders or problems stemming from substance abuse of a birth mom is understandable. I’d forgotten your sister is adopted. I remember you showing me pictures of her at the Statesman and you raving about what a sweetheart she is.
I love this post, and I love that photo (you look gorgeous). As someone who may end up adopting children, I do worry about the comments I’ll have to either, A) ignore, or B) give a clever retort to. Because C) kill the commenter, can’t really be an option.
Oh my I love this post Di. I didn’t know that your husband was adopted. My best friend from High School was adopted, but I didn’t even find that out until later in our friendship. It was a non-issue. This type of thing is one of my main pet peeves. I hate the “adopted” or “step-child” labeling people will put on their children. My brother is from a previous relationship and not my dad’s “biological” son, but I have NEVER in my life heard either of them refer to each other as step, it’s always been dad and son. Proudly too. Even though my brother made the decision to keep his last name Gooch and not be legally adopted by my dad (my brother was the last male in the Gooch family line and wanted to keep his last name). I remember finding it weird when I had to explain to people why we have different names. It was never a big deal to me. Bobby is my brother, I have never felt him or even thought of him as my “half” brother.
The other thing with this is that AJ & I are very much planning on adopting, and as a matter of fact, AJ really wants to adopt an African American male child (not baby), for various reasons (one being that they are the hardest to find parents for). I think about the jokes and comments we are going to get about us being a white family with a black child and even though we don’t even have him yet, I already bristle at the thought. I have no doubt in my mind that whenever he ends up coming into our home, he will be my son. 100% my son and nothing else. I also know a family that adopted two boys when they were young and when they turned teenagers and had normal teenage problems, the parents honest to God tried to give them back. No joke. When they couldn’t they sent them to a juvenile program in another state. Makes me sick.
Anyway- this is a HUGE rant on your post. But I just wanted to tell you I totally agree on it. It’s something I actually think about a lot and is a huge peeve of mine!!
That makes me sick too. I can’t imagine anyone trying to give back a child. Not wanting children is one thing, but adopting or having children and then just bowing out when the going gets tough is just heartbreaking.
You’ll be an amazing parent, Scottie, and I can only imagine that AJ will be too, since he had the good taste to marry you
Ooooooh boy, I have many many thoughts on this myself, most of which I won’t say because I don’t want to leave your blog a ashy pile of smoking cinder and bile. I TOTALLY agree with you. The weird thing is that despite how much adoption has changed over the years (prevalence of it, the acceptance of open adoption, etc) the problems remain that same that people are just flaming idiots that need to mind their own business or pull their heads out of their asses.
Anyway, the only thing I will really say to those wishing to adopt (bless you!) is to never tell the child they were “lucky” or “blessed” to be adopted. I heard this my entire life growing up and feel like no child should ever feel like they are emotionally in debt.
Miranda, you are welcome to leave my blog an ashy pile of smoking cinder and bile if you want to (great visual, by the way).
I had never thought about the “lucky/blessed” language before because I’ve never heard Matt’s family say anything. I just asked him about it and he said he can’t think of that really being the language they used although he said jokingly that he sometimes tells his parents they are lucky to have him. I can see how that would create a feeling of emotional debt or obligation though, no matter how well intentioned the comments may have been.
I like this post a lot and completely agree with you. I notice myself picking up on the strange qualifiers we add to signify how something is “abnormal,” and I think it shames people. I can only imagine how that implied otherness affects them over time.
My mother-in-law said she knew a woman who introduced her children as “my sons and my adopted son.” I would imagine that would have a devastating effect on anyone.
And it’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Hope you are well!
I’m good, actually… everything has finally hit a balanced calm and i’ve been enjoying it for close to two years now. LOL
Amen. I can’t imagine my family without the children my brother and his wife adopted. And I’m excited that there is some chance we might have a seventh soon, depending on legality, etc. My adopted nieces and nephews are just as much my nieces and nephews as the ones that are blood related.
OMG I have SO MANY THOUGHTS on this topic! This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. An adopted child is no less loved or part of a family than a biological child. There is NO DIFFERENCE.
What I hate the MOST is when the differentiation is not just “adopted” vs. “not adopted,” but “adopted” vs. “REAL.” Which makes me want to spit fire. That is just plain hurtful, for people to think that a sibling or child is any less REAL simply because she does not share genetics.
Sorry – got a little heated there.
Very good topic!