Just go read this. It so perfectly it describes my feelings about having children. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no, other times I think it would be a huge mistake and other other times I think I’d be a rockin’ mom. Basically I don’t know and I have a hard time relating to people who tell me it is THE BEST THING EVVAAAARRRR! And doooo it because you’ll never regret it.
I have never felt that parenthood is a sure thing for me. I’m good with kids but tire quickly of them. And while, clearly, I would love my own more, I still have never known for sure that I am meant to be a mom. I just don’t know and have a hard time buying into the parental enthusiasm train. Am I the only one waffling about to have or not to have? Everyone I know seems to be more asking when they should have kids or how they can have kids (infertility and difficulty conceiving are far more common than I ever knew), but not if they should have kids…
Here’s the thing: I love my kids. Obviously. But, Brandon and I often wish we had had more time just US before we got pregnant with Piper. So, here’s my advice: Wait. Wait until you are 100% sure you are ready to give up the freedom that you have now. Because it sucks. I mean, of course it rocks as well, but in a different way. You get excited about peeing on the potty instead of concert tickets. A dinner-date is like, miraculous. I get beyond excited about being able to go shopping ALONE. When Brandon’s at work, the only alone-time I get is in the shower some days (Beck doesn’t sleep well when Brandon is gone). I miss my alone time. And I like to think of myself as a pretty easy-going, laid-back mom. I definitely do not hover over my kids and they don’t need me to entertain them 24/7 (Beck is currently shoving yellow play-doh into a pretend shot thingy from his doctor kit, for example). But still, they are a huge part of your life and like that post you linked to said, there’s no going back.
OK, it is not the best thing ever, but it is pretty great, most of the time. I have regretted it, more than once, but not in the horrible regrets I will spend my whole time wishing I hadn’t category. More in the man, this is really hard sometimes category.
I have come to the conclusion. I freaking love my kid. Other people’s kids? Only some of the time. I don’t love the finger painting and the play-doh, and so we don’t do that kind of stuff. I love the walks and the learning, so we do LOTS of that stuff.
I think one of the weird things about motherhood is that we think it is all one way. I don’t do play dates. I don’t do the mommy gossip. I work from home because it fulfills me. We eat out probably at least once a week, but I also cook meals from scratch a lot too. I don’t do a lot of the stuff that traditional moms do and guess what? I have a wonderful, happy, well adjusted kid.
I think you have to figure out what works for you. For us, it is me working from home, with one kid, maybe one more in the future. For my sister, it is being a stay-at-home mom to five boys.
Being a mom when and if it works for you, that is what is important.
Sorry, that got long. I am pretty passionate about this. I get all sorts of crap from other moms who seem to think it is their right to tell me I am a bad mom for only have one kid. Do what works for you and then be OK with it when it sometimes sucks.
Thank you for the shout out! It’s such a relief to meet other women who feel the same way about this. I love what you said about wondering if you were “meant to be a mom.” I feel that way a lot. My husband says I would be good at it. But I don’t know if I believe him. I DO know that HE would be a fantastic father. That’s I think what’s got me tipped SLIGHTLY into the “yes we should” camp. The idea of being able to see him throw a ball around with our child… to see our child grow up with his blue eyes or his meticulous attention to detail… to watch my husband push a stroller or comfort a crying baby… to stand together at our child’s graduation. Those are all things I WANT. But… that’s not reality – there’s so much more. And I don’t know if I want those things if they come with endless nights of not sleeping… years of worrying for your child’s safety… never being able to NOT be a parent.
ARGH. Such a difficult, crazy blend of emotions. And all for a decision that is PERMANENT.
I like that blog post. It is a lot like space travel, unknown and permanent. In the last few years I’ve become pretty sure that I WILL go to space someday, but in that vague “someday I’ll probably visit Canada” sort of someday. I’m spending a lot of time enjoying gravity and chipotle, and since all the earth fun is far from used up, I’m not seeing any need to leave until I’ve had my fill of the earth experience.
If you someday decide to have kid(s) though, I am pretty sure you would be a rockin’ mom.
Confession: With all the other stuff going on in my life, I have occasionally wondered if I do still want kids. Is it something I really want? Is it really the purpose of my life like I always thought it was? I can’t imagine a life as fulfilling, but is that because I’ve never tried?
I have kids and still wonder these same sorts of things. Not that I don’t love them and all that. It’s weriod becouse for me kids seem to bring a lot of highs and lows. Everything is either totally falling apart and chaos abonds, or things are fantastic. I am not saying you should or should but if you love kids as much as you love animals, I suspect you will make a splendid mother.
You have to have kids. We’re clearly on our way to Idiocracy.
I don’t have kids yet but I have decided that I want them, 100% without a doubt and am UBER excited about having them. BUT, it took years and years for me to get this way. I think it’s because, like you, I do not have this fantasy of what having kids would be like. I know it’s going to be a lot of work, I know it’s going to wear on you and I will get angry, have tears, be tired, need a break… It took me a long time to realize it is really want I want. I’m glad that I waited. I feel that if I would have had kids before, the experience wouldn’t have been the same. I would have felt some sort of what-if or resentment about having them. Now, I don’t have them yet, but I know that if I did, those feelings would be there. Just wait. If you don’t decide you want kids, then no big deal, Good for you! If you do decide to have kids, same goes. Don’t feel pressure to even make the decision, cause it’s unnecessary pressure. It took me a loong time to figure that out too.
DO NOT have them unless you are completely in love with the idea. At least that’s what my sister-in-law told me. She says that there are so many challenges in raising kids (along with great things, of course) that if you’re not totally committed to it you will probably find yourself resenting them. And she has 5 kids.
As someone who hated kids, then got baby hungry, then got divorced and didn’t have a chance to have kids, then got married to my dream guy and was shocked to find that I wasn’t baby hungry, the one thing I know is that no one else’s choices are right for you. If you and Matt decide to have kids, you’ll be great parents. If you decide to just have four-footed babies, that’s really no one’s business. Just don’t rule things out completely because your feelings may change. Mine did last summer, and it shocked the hell out of me.
“Just don’t rule things out completely because your feelings may change. Mine did last summer, and it shocked the hell out of me.”
This is kind of what I hope happens. Either way, I’d just like to feel strongly that I do or don’t want children. That way I think I could deal with what people say, etc., but with my thoughts/emotions in limbo I just don’t know what to do.
I feel exactly the same way… and I find it strange that we both grew up in big families with wonderful siblings and yet not know if we want kids. Hmmm
You WOULD be a rockin’ mom. But you are a rockin’ person all around…
I love my babies. I’m sad we won’t be having any more. But I know I have impulse problems and honestly, I think I have a craving for the adrenaline rushes that come with labor and newborns. I have a harder time as they get older…something I need to work on…
I wish I could give more perspective. I didn’t know I wanted to be a parent until it had to be confronted.
I am late to comment, most likely because I can read while I nurse, but I refuse to type one-handed responses.
Even though we had been trying to conceive for 8 months, when I saw that double-pink line, I almost threw up. I was happy, sort of. I was excited, sort of. I was worried, a lot. I wondered if I’d have the same energy, enthusiasm, and patience for Sam as I did with my first four. (I do… most days.)
If you peed on a stick and got the double-pink line, how would you feel?
Now, imagine learning it was a false-positive. Would you be relieved or disappointed?
I love my kids fiercely, and find great joy in being a mother. That doesn’t mean there aren’t days I wouldn’t trade them in for a bubble bath and a cold Pepsi. (Hello? Remember Anthony? It’s a wonder we both survived!) Luckily, they all fall asleep eventually, and they look too angelic to ever consider giving away.
For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a rockin’ mom. I also think you’d be a rockin’ aunt, a rockin’ sister, and a rockin’ wife. Because you pretty much rock. So take some time and figure things out. You’re still young. This isn’t a decision that has to be made tomorrow.
One last thing to consider: If you don’t have kids, who will bite all your muffins?
Well the cats would (and have!) bite all my cupcakes/muffins/cakes if I don’t store them properly (a pan with a lid is my friend). But somehow that’s not quite the same
I’m so glad you de-lurked and I found your blog. I’ve been wanting to write or talk about my thoughts on having kids for awhile now, but haven’t been able to because I’m so conflicted. Or, they’re so amorphous. This time last year, I really wanted a baby. Now, I don’t, and I realize it was just hormones talking. I think having kids would be awesome, but I also think not having kids would be awesome. It’s frustrating when everybody around you is so convinced that their life’s work is to bear and rear children (and I’m not just talking about the Mormons).